Love is Not An Open Door..... It's a Covenant

"Feelings!
Ooooooh, Ooooooh,
 Feelings!"

(if you didn't get that reference..... watch this..... Now you can finish reading)

Or, in more modern words-----
"All my life has been a series of doors in my face
And then suddenly I bump into you!

 

I was thinking the same thing! 'Cause like
I've been searching my whole life to find my own place
And maybe it's the party talking or the chocolate fondue...."

So... as we in the US approach Valentines Day, I figured I'd get something out of the way...

We've all seen them. They're glued together like Siamese twins. Always petting, always kissing. Gushing to everyone in sight about their partner. Totally, hopelessly, well... silly. Forgetting their keys... their lunch.... all their old friends.

They're "In Love"
They're "Fallen in Love."

Have you ever thought about that phrase? How exactly did they fall in love? Did they trip? Was it something they couldn't stop? Is this a Calvinist saying? Is there no free will around here?

I looked up the definition of "Love" in Merriam Webster:

Definition of love                                                     

1 a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties

• maternal love for a child

(2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers

• After all these years, they are still very much in love.

(3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests

• love for his old schoolmates

b : an assurance of affection

• give her my love

2 : warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion

• love of the sea

3 a : the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration

• baseball was his first love

That is one word with way too many definitions. Everything from Mother-child love, Husband-wife  love, Human-God love...... and Human-Candy Corn love.

 

"I love you, Mommy!"

"I just love ice cream!"

"Love ya, Sis!"

"I love you so much, Jesus!"

I love you, Honey! Will you...."

 

Gracious!

 

How exactly did we decide one word could handle all that pressure?!

 

I've been told that in many other languages, there are many words for love.

 

The Greek used in the New Testament is one.

There's Eros, that's sexual love.

And Phileo, that's brother/deep friend love.

Storge, which is parent and child love.

And finally Agape, which is the deep love of God for us, and the church for each other.

 

The only one that can really be "fallen into" is Eros.... also know as lust, physical attraction, or the 'hots'.

The other three require friendship, time, and work. Mostly work.

This quote says it all:

"Young love is a flame; very pretty, often very hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. The love of the older and disciplined heart is as coals, deep-burning, unquenchable."

Henry Ward Beecher

To put it bluntly.... This thing we've been calling love is nothing more than warm fuzzies. There is nothing wrong with warm fuzzies... they have a place. But they come and they go. They get smothered under work, children, and trials.

 

True, real love on the other hand, is hard. It's work, blood, sweat, and tears. Every day, forever. It's choosing everyday that you're still going to do this thing. It's refusing to let your hormones drive the train. It's deciding every second to serve, to give, to sacrifice. Until you die.

 

If a picture is worth a thousand words...

then let me give you a picture of True Love....

 

That is love. And we're never going to be able to do it. That's why we try. Over and over. And say we're sorry. And forgive, and forget, and throw away all the records. And cry, and laugh, and pick ourselves up and dust each other off. Forever.

 

So, no, you don't fall in love.

And no, what you feel on your second date isn't love.

Or what you feel on the day you propose, although you might be getting a hint.

 

This isn't love

 

 

 This is.

 

And, since you made it this far, I'm going to give you a reward for busting your eardrums earlier....

And before I go---
Shouts out to all my poor readers, everywhere. We're international, folks! We're from the US, Jamaica, Canada, UK, South Africa, Australia, Brazil, India, Spain and Slovakia! Howdy to all of you!
(And yes, I'm on a photo high.) 

Is this Nutcracker Magical?

Like most girls, I spent many years of my childhood dreaming about my future husband. I had long lists of qualities that I thought were necessary. These changed frequently, depending on what I considered most important.

My list spanned everything from physical appearance, personal interests, even acceptable jobs.

And then I grew up.

And I learned that men are not what fairy tales and novels create them to be. Most of those books are written by women, and the guys have a decidedly feminine flair.

Being around men taught me that most men were much less like women than they were..... men.

I  realized that most men are simply normal in appearance, had average jobs, and had masculine interests that I didn't always understand.

I looked around and had a "Come to Jesus" moment.

Most of the girls I know were also looking for the "Perfect Man."

This became especially obvious as I hung around girls who fell into more conservative circles. They were not only looking for the man who looked amazing, did a cool sounding job, and had similar interests, they needed one who was extremely religious, had a house and 15 year goals, and a family who uniformly thought they were the best thing that happened to their son.

These women waited far into their twenties, even thirties, not because they wanted to, or because nobody asked them out, but because nobody was ever good enough for them. They were searching for a man who was as strong a Christian as their favorite preacher, AND looked like their favorite movie star AND had an impressive job. Preferably as a doctor or pastor. Definitely not a pest controller, police office, lineman, EMT, soldier, or diesel mechanic. These are jobs, that, statistically, are both underappreciated and underpaid.

None of these are bad things. However, we can't have everything. Which begs the question----- What are we willing to sacrifice on?

Because, the fact is that women who want to get married can't afford to be picky anymore....... there really are less men. No, sweet friend, it's not your imagination.

The average church is 61% women, 39% men.

The joke goes that the Christian men are like parking spaces-- either taken or handicapped.

On college campuses, the men to women ratio is about 58% girls, 42% guys. And it's worse in Christian college campuses, were it often approaches two gals a one guy.
On any given Sunday, there are 13 million more women in church than men.
Most non-pastoral church employees are women.
This site gives the nitty gritty details on the gender gap.

Women are 54% more likely to attend a small group at church.

There are 88 unmarried men 18 and older for every 100 women.

Plus, if you're Missouri Synod Lutheran like me, you have another problem. The LCMS is top heavy. 24 percent of the church is made of senior citizens, compared to 15 percent of the normal population, and only 17 percent are between 19 and 30, compared to 22 percent of the normal population. Only a few years ago, it was only 10%. Average age of an LCMS Lutheran? 47. The LCMS is 53% women, 47% men..... better than average, but how many are young and unmarried? Well.... a whopping 59% of LCMS members are MARRIED! Only 15% have never been married..... and that's over all age groups.

So, no matter how often guys try to turn this around and say they can't find any good Christian women...... the fact is, there's about two women to every man in the average church. And a disproportionate number of those men are already married.

All this to say....
I've stopped looking for Mr. Right.

Now, I'm looking only for a man who fills a few carefully crafted MUST haves--
1) Is he Lutheran? Maybe Catholic?
2) Does he have a decent job?
3) Does he respect me?
4) Do I like being around him?
5) Does he value kids?
6) Is he devoted to being faithful to me forever?
7) Is he going to work on our marriage forever?


I've stopped caring about what he looks like, where he works, or even where he came from.

All I want is a good guy who loves Jesus and the liturgy of the church. That's  all I dare to die on.

Because, let's face it. Men aren't like the men in the stories. Neither are women.

Fo' Truth!

"Sorry, Prince Charming. I'm Too Young. I have to Go to College First."

It's a fact.

59% of Millennials have never been married.

What you've thought was true, is indeed true. Young people are delaying marriage longer and longer than any future generation ever did.

According to the U.S. Census reports:

20% of 18-30 year olds are married.

Compare that too--

36% of GenXers were married by that age.
48% of Boomers.
65% of Traditionalists.

The numbers don't lie.... the number of people getting married is dropping at a frightening rate.

But here's a fact you probably don't expect. Of the young people today who are single and have never been married..... 86% want to get married.

If they want to get married, why aren't more of them married?

I would put forward that it's all about priorities.... and finances.

Think about it. We have indoctrinated our children for years that marriage is a ball and chain, that they need to get everything together before they can get married, and that college and career are more important anyway.

How many married people have you heard groaning and complaining about what their spouse does or doesn't do? How many married people have you heard throwing out some variation of the "Yes Dear" joke? How many married people do you know that act like they like each other?

I know many couples that puzzle me. I'm not sure why they're married, because you never see them together. Or, if you do, they act like they hate each other. Or, if it's not pure hate, it's aloof and distant.

Yet, at the same time, we tell our youth that marriage is a wonderful, God given thing. That it's a joy and a gift.

Coulda fooled me.

This is what I see, in reality.

I've had a lot of people ask me when I'm going to college, and express deep concern when I tell them I don't have plans to attend one soon.

I don't remember a single time that anyone has asked me whether I was in a relationship, then given condolences when I expressed my lack of dates.

Everyone is quick to tell me I'm too young to choose a spouse. Nobody has told me that I'm too young to chose a career. Never has someone suggested that a 18 year old is too young to understand what $60,000 in debt really is.

This is the message that I, and my fellow young people are getting: Go to college. Rack up some so much debt that you'll be eating Ramen for six years. Focus on climbing the corporate ladder in your field. Get married once you have job, house, and new car.

It hasn't always been this way. My grandparents married young, and those who went to college didn't wait until graduation to tie the knot. My parents married young, after their four year degree, but before my Dad went to grad school.

It's not just changing the marriage age from after high school to after undergrad school.

The average age of marriage is now 27 for gals and 29 for guys.
That's post high school, undergrad, grad school, and then between three and five years after.

I'm not saying that everyone should get married young. What I am saying is this-- getting married young is not a sin, it's not unwise, and it should be encouraged as an appropriate desire.

I'm not married, but here's two articles that talk about the benefits of marrying young from people who did so. Click here and here.

This is what I'm saying.

Singles-- Don't be afraid to make getting married a priority. Don't be afraid to marry young. Allow God to bring your spouse in His timing.... but be open to it being sooner than you might have thought.

Married Couples-- Act like you like it already! Show us how awesome marriage is. Encourage us when we express longings to marry. Don't critique people who marry young. Support them, and show them the ropes.


Also-- Look! I got the pictures to work!

Tradition! Or, Ramblings on the Church's View of Marriage

NERD ALERT!

This is going to be a relatively deep, theological discussion on marriage, addressing what I see as the two main lies that circle Christian singles today...........


You've been warned. Proceed at your own risk!

"There is no more lovely, friendly, and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage"---- Martin Luther

Ahh...... good old Luther. I plead my rights if there's too many Luther quotes in here proportional to everyone else!

Lets start with what is probably the best description of the purpose of marriage I've seen yet...

"The ultimate purpose [of marriage] is to obey God, to find aid and counsel against sin; to call upon God; to seek, love, and educate children for the glory of God; to live with one’s wife in the fear of God and to bear the cross; but if there are no children, nevertheless to live with one’s wife in contentment; and to avoid all lewdness with others"---- Martin Luther

In today's Christian world, basically everybody falls off one cliff or another. Either they say that singleness is preferred to marriage, or that singles are not complete people.
 
I'm going to try to address both positions in turn, then add a few other thoughts at the end.

#1-- Singleness is Better Than Marriage

Most people likely will try to pin this on the Catholic church. Roman Catholics have struggled over the years with balancing the Sacraments of Marriage and Holy Orders.(Priestly Ordination and Monastic Vows.) However, I've found that the people who push this now are those who fall into popular youth ministry groups, and strangely enough, groups who push for  waiting for your spouse and staying pure. (Which are wonderful, Godly things.)

The logic goes like this--
'Paul says everyone should stay like he is, and he was single. So was Jesus, Nehemiah, Barnabas..... (Insert long list of Biblical figures) So, you really don't need to get married unless you want to have kids. Jesus is all you need.'
Before I can go further, I need to give a 30 second lesson on Vocation. This is the doctrine that everything in life, if done by a devout Christian man or woman is service to God. The pastor who preaches is no better than a plumber fixing a leak. The mom changing diapers is no less than a bishop. God created us, and all our vocations to give him glory and serve our neighbor.
Therefore-- Long term singleness is a Vocation. Some people have been gifted with an ability to be single for a long time, some haven't. That doesn't mean that everyone who's supposed to get married will get married at the same time, it means that God only gifts people with grace to be single for as long as it takes for everyone to get mature and get together.
Ultimately, this falls into the Early Church heresy of Gnosticism, which said that everything on this earth was dirty and polluted, and truly spiritual people would leave all of that behind in pursuit of God. The entire Gospel of John was written to showcase the things about Jesus that were contrary to Gnosticism.

Invariably, a single person expressing a desire to be married ends with someone tritely saying 'You just need Jesus.' Usually, this person is married.
It is true that Jesus can soothe the unsettledness and stress of  the single life. He gives us the Sacrament of the Altar to assure us that He is always with us. He gives us families, churches and pastors to surround us with love and support. He gives us His word to show us His love. He sticks a pastor in front of us to pronounce His forgiveness when we struggle and fall into lust, envy, discontentment, and covetousness.

However, most singles who long for marriage are longing for the companionship, togetherness and affection of marriage. They long to be the most important person in someone's life. They want to be able to partner with another person in this life. And yes, they long for physical affection and the marriage bed.

Jesus isn't going to remove these desires.

To do so would be against His creation. He made marriage to fulfill those longings, and to placate or remove those desires Himself would be to change natural laws that He wrote.

After all, even in a perfect garden, with a perfect, sinless relationship with  God, Adam was alone. And it was not good.

As Luther says--

"There is nothing disgraceful about it (desire to be married) Celibacy is supposed to be a virtue, but it is a veritable gift of God, just as if a person did not eat or drink.... There are not many virgins to whom God has granted a long life; rather, hurriedly He whisked them out of this world, like Cecilia, Agnes, Lucia, Agatha and others like them. I know full well how noble that treasure is, but also how difficult it is to preserve for any length of time."

God didn't tell Adam to get closer to Him so that He could fulfill Adam's loneliness.... He created the women to fill it.
Tertullian, one of the Church Fathers, wrote this--

"How beautiful, then, the marriage of two Christians, two who are one in hope, one in desire, one in the way of life that they follow, in the religion they practice... They are, in very truth, two in flesh."

This doesn't mean that the single person is destined to be a partnerless, useless sock. It just means that nobody should trivialize the intense, innate longings of the single man or woman.

#2-- A Single Person is Useless.
Honestly, I don't hear this much anymore, except around groups like the Anabaptists and certain conservative homeschool groups.
However, let's get it out of the way.
A single person can do a lot. They can do so many things a married person can't, because of decreased demands on time, energy, money and attention.
Single people are perfect for those roles that are too time consuming and/or dangerous for a married couple.
I know a couple of single guys that have been on mission trips to the Middle East recently. The areas that they are in are too unstable to bring a family into.  This is a wonderful reason to be single.

Ultimately, this is what it all comes down to:
Do you have a logical, Biblical reason for your state, whether married or single.

John Chrystosom says it nicely:

"So whether we presently live in our virginity, in our first marriage, or in our second, let us pursue holiness, that we may be counted worthy to see Him and to attain the Kingdom of Heaven, through the grace and love for mankind of our Lord Jesus."

Concluding thoughts:

Marriage is beautiful
Singleness is beautiful.
We need to support and help all our Christian brothers and sisters, whatever their marriage status.
And in an age that scorns normal, loyal, faithful, Christ Honoring marriage....
Lets especially support those among us who are longing for marriage.


And, in closing, a couple of  really fun Luther quotes on marriage:

"There’s a lot to get used to in the first years of marriage. One wakes up in the morning and finds a pair of pigtails on the pillow that were not there before."

 "In domestic affairs I defer to Katie. Otherwise, I am led by the Holy Ghost."

And, some cool quotes I found during research that I couldn't squish in anywhere else:

 “An intelligent, discreet, and pious young woman is worth more than all the money in the world. Tell her that you love her more than your own life, because this present life is nothing, and that your only hope is that the two of you pass through this life in such a way that, in the world to come, you will be united in perfect love” – St. John Chrysostom

And for the gals:

 "First, look for a husband who will really be a husband and a protector; remember that you are placing a head on a body. When your daughter is to be married, don’t look for how much money a man has. Don’t worry about his nationality or his family’s social position […] When you are satisfied that the man is virtuous and decide what day they will be married, beseech Christ to be present at the wedding. He is not ashamed to come for marriage is an image of His presence in the Church. Even better than this: pray that your children will each find such a virtuous spouse; entrust this concern of yours into His hands. If you honor Him in this way, He will return honor for honor." John Chrystosom

 And this lovely description:

“They are as brother and sister, both servants of the same Master. Nothing divides them, either in flesh or in Spirit. They are in very truth, two in one flesh; and where there is but one flesh there is also but one spirit.

“They pray together, they worship together, they fast together; instructing one another, encouraging one another, strengthening one another.

“Side by side they face difficulties and persecution, share their consolations. They have no secrets from one another, they never shun each other’s company; they never bring sorrow to each other’s hearts… Psalms and hymns they sing to one another.

“Hearing and seeing this, Christ rejoices. To such as these He gives His peace. Where there are two together, there also He is present, and where He is….there evil is not.” – Tertullian

And this:

 "The love of husband and wife is the force that welds society together. Men will take up arms and even sacrifice their lives for the sake of this love. St. Paul would not speak so earnestly about this subject without serious reason; why else would he say, “Wives, be subject to your husbands, as to the Lord?” Because when harmony prevails, the children are raised well, the household is kept in order, and neighbors, friends, and relatives praise the result. Great benefits, both of families and states, are thus produced. When it is otherwise, however, everything is thrown into confusion and turned upside-down."   John Chrystosom, Homily on Ephesians 5:22-23   

When Nobody Cares......

First off, If you haven't read my post on The Rebelution Blog, here it is.

Thought I'd expand a little on something in that post before I continued with my series in Dating and Relationships.
Here's a quote from that article:

"After a while, people stopped asking me how things were going. Their lives continued, while I wondered if anyone cared. "

One of the hardest things in my life right now is that I often feel underappreciated, under supported, and unnoticed.

You'd think that someone in a hard, visible ministry would get lots of prayers and support, but I've learned something.


People want happy stories. They want to ask you how you're doing and get a cool story about how God is using you, the miraculous, the spectacular. They want something worthy of The Cross and The Switchblade.

They want to make a movie out of your ministry. Or at least a drama.

What they don't want to hear is stories of agony, pain and seemingly pointless effort.

Sometimes, I have stories of people who came to Jesus and have changed totally, and gotten themselves all straightened out.

More often, I can't find any good stories worthy of a self respecting magazine article.

But that doesn't mean I'm not making a difference. It's just not as cool as most people would want. Or as I would want.

What do you do when you feel like nobody understands how hard something is? Or when your hard earned results don't sound as spectacular to people that you talk to?


You take refuge in the fact that Jesus understands everything. He always wants to hear how your day went, no matter how horrible. He is just as excited for every little victory as you are.....

He will always hold you close in the scars on His palms.

No matter how little recognition you get from others.

And His is the only notice that really matters, anyway.

Belle Didn't Meet Her Prince on Tinder

Online Dating.

It's on of those things that has become accepted in our culture as a normal way to meet someone. Nobody seems to think about how truly strange it is to enter a few bits of data into a profile, and determine if someone is worth your time based on that.

I have bemoaned to a couple of pastors about the total lack of men, and you'd be surprised how often people tell me to try online dating.

As an 18 year old, I always thought of online dating as being for people over thirty. While Tinder has changed some of that, the average age for dating sites that still focus mostly on long term relationships, like Match.com and eHarmony is-- older. Match.com tells us on their website that over 70% of users are over 30, eHarmony tells us that the average age is between 35-54. Almost all dating sites have seniors as around a quarter of users. Tinder has younger users--over 80% are under 30.... but Tinder is so different, I'll address it separately later.

Only about 17% of marriages were started online... compared to over 60% who met through friends.

A third of people who used dating sites have never even gone on a date with someone they met on that site.

Half of online dating users lie about something in their profile-- usually physical appearance, age, education, or income.

A quarter of users also have other people help them construct the most appealing profile-- meaning that even if they don't out right lie, they may not tell you everything.

Yet another half tell us that they've dated more than one person at a time through one of these sites.

And most importantly, only 5% of people who are in either marriage or a committed relationship-- met online. That tells me that online marriages may not have the same staying power as normal relationships.


I have several problems with online dating.

One is this-- as online dating becomes more and more popular, it has often been reduced to simply "Swiping" based on physical appearance only. Those long algebraic equations have been reduced to a couple second glance at someone's posed headshot.
Sounds like a good way to find a spouse to me.

Another is that I'm hopelessly paranoid about people who lie, fudge details, or leave out important info. Don't tell me that you haven't heard some rendition or another of the classic "Said he was 6' 3" was actually 5'5"" and "Said she was a size 6 blonde, turned into a size 20 brunette." And that's not counting the real risk of meeting a predator, pimp or abusive man online. Yes, I know it's rare..... but that fact is that it is real, and I don't like "Small Chances" when it comes to things like domestic abuse and trafficking.

I hate meeting people online. It seems contrived and aloof to me. Really, how deep can you get in a relationship that started with you liking her jersey in a selfie?

I don't even have "The Book of Faces." You expect me to try to meet the man I could spend forever with through tiny profile and a 1"x1" picture? Lets be real.

Most of the young people on online dating sites aren't looking for a long term partner, just a hook-up. Tinder makes that clear by basing things of first impressions of pictures. In real life, many people marry spouses they didn't initially think were physically attractive, because they liked the person's humor, depth, smarts or spiritual intensity.



So, You ask, what do I recommend?
Set ups.
No, really.
Ask the people you know who are happily married how many met through parents, friends, pastors or family.
My own parents met through a high school friend.
Married people, set us up. Be thoughtful about it, but don't be shy.
Single people, be willing to meet people. If they don't sound like a jerk, slob or sex offender, go for it. The woman at church's grandson in the army, or your parent's friend's daughter, or your pastor's nephew, or your friend's sister... all could be God's chosen person for you... or not. But you won't know if you refuse to meet them.

And guys?
Don't be scared to initiate conversation with girls. We're waiting!
And girls?
Talk to them when they start a conversation.

Someday, My Prince Will Come

RANT ALERT:

Warning-- this series is probably going to turn into one long rant.... that's usually what happens when I tackle this subject.

So... I lived through the holidays. This is the first  Thanksgiving/Christmas etc. since I became "unengaged." Needless to say, it's been quite the emotional roller-coaster.
So, I decided that a series on singlehood, focusing on those of us in the Lutheran church, but hopefully it will be applicable to others too.

I attend two churches. One of a relatively large church, about 500 people. I don't go to youth group, because, well, I've never met anyone I wanted to get to know better that attended it.
The second is a dearly beloved tiny church with maybe 50 people, only one of whom is close to my age.

None of the youth speak to me.
I know it's hard to believe, but I'm really not that scary.
I don't wear vampire teeth to church, make things levitate, or crackle evilly.

Someday, I'll address the cliquishness of church, but that's for a different post.

The applicable problem is that there simply aren't any potential guys. At all.

I've asked a couple of well respected pastors what to do, since, as I've healed from The Breakup, I've realized that there are no guys to get into a relationship with.

They love to send me towards online dating, which is a topic I'm going to address in full later in this series-- needless to say, I don't consider it an option.

I've also been told that I just need to find a church with better prospects.
Newsflash-- I've been to all the LCMS churches within reasonable driving distance. There aren't really any guys anywhere--- not within a hour or so. Most of the churches around here are little, old and dying. Not that I don't like old people.... but I'm not marrying a 75 year old widower. Sorry.

Outside of moving to Africa, Minnesota or Texas-- all of whom have better, younger Lutheran populations than Canton, Ohio, Rustbelt City.... I'm not sure what my choices are.

So-- What AM I doing?

Praying. Lots of praying. Sometimes crying, usually desperate, often despondent, occasionally hopeful, always blatantly honest. I don't know what I would do if I didn't pray, but I'd probably bust a few blood vessels.

Serving. If I'm thinking about others, I'm not thinking about me. I volunteer at Rahab Ministries, teach Kids Club on Wednesday nights, and blog. When I'm immersed in servanthood, I'm not moping.

Listening to Music. I seriously love Jason Crabb and the Isaacs Family. Country Gospel and Christian Bluegrass keeps me sane. I have a playlist right now on my IPod titled "Bad Days." Plus, I love going to church and singing the hymns of the church with the organ in the background. Just love it. It regulates my heartbeat, for all intents and purposes.

Higher Things. Went to there conference last year, and although nothing came of it, I did meet some cool guys..... So at least I know they exist.

I plan on my move to Africa. I'm not totally serious... but humor is great. I have friends and parents that I can groan, complain, and snark to.... and who will also engage me in humor when I engage my favorite saying-- "If You don't laugh... you'll cry."


I'm going to get really, freakishly detailed as the series goes along. I don't totally know yet how long this is going to go... At least three more parts, the next one on Online Dating, my nemesis. Likely one on the Holidays, and a Theological one on the Vocation of Singleness and Dating in the Lutheran Church. (Which will probably get a nerd alert.) Who knows what else.

(PS.... Still trying to figure out the photo stuff on Blogger. Hopefully I'll figure out how to add pictures to these soon.)