Letting Down Her Walls

Hello, down there!
Up here....
I'm the one in the tower!

No, you can't come up here.... it's too dangerous.

Nothing like that! The stairs are perfectly well maintained.... it's too dangerous for me.

Well, you see if  you came up here, I might have to let down my carefully constructed walls, and be vulnerable. I can't do that. Someone might hurt me.

Of course people have done that before! That's why I came up here in the first place.

Let me explain. You see, people don't really want to see your true self, they want to see the neat and clean version. They don't want to get the pain from my heart dumped into their arms.... that's called oversharing. They don't want to be forced to respond to cries of grief that don't have answers.

You think I'm cynical? Well, I probably am.

But it's safer this way!

I've seen it! I'm just working off of experiences..... Just basing things off of real life.

No, I do let some people in.... some of the time..... After a they've had a background check, passed the SAT, and found the Holy Grail. Then I let them in.

You think I'm missing out? Well, I don't think so. I mean, I'm lonely, and a lot of the time I wonder why I feel so isolated, but I know it's for the best.

It's safer this way.

No, I do leave sometimes! I leave on occasion, when properly attired in Kevlar, combat boots, and a full face mask. No, it doesn't help with making friends, but.....

It's safer this way.

Oh, no, I've never had problems letting Jesus into my tower, I just make sure I've cleaned everything from top to bottom first. Can't have the Son of God in here without sterilizing everything first.

I wonder sometimes if people realize there's more to this girl than what they see. All they see is the crisp, clear put together me. What would happen if they saw the hurting, struggling, raw me. But they probably would recoil in horror.

It's safer this way.

Of course, it's possible that they would help me, listen to me, share advice and gift me with prayers..... but they also might gossip about me, or think I'm not strong... or leave me sitting in my tears....

It's safer this way.

You say that you promise to listen to me? You say that I can't say anything that will scare you off? Prove it!

But, I can't come down.... it's too scary.

Yes, I suppose you can come up here... But let me clean up first.

I don't have to Clorox everything before you come up? But then you'd see the mess.... you'd see that I don't have everything together.

That's the point?

Well..... I suppose you can come up here.

                                                                   ~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, here it is.... I know it's messy and covered in pain....

You don't care?

Nobody's ever said that before.

What's that?

Oh. I painted that a while back... it's not very good...

You like it? You're just flattering me.

You look serious....

Come down?! Show other people my art? But, that painting is my soul in canvas and oil paint! I can't! They'll laugh at it!

I guess I could try. But if it hurts I'm coming straight back here!

                                                              ~~~~~~~~~~
Who are all these people?

They want to help me? I'm not sure I deserve the help and friendship of all of these people.

Well....here goes nothing......

They like it! They really like it!

Hey.... thanks... I needed to do this.

Do you know if there's a cottage down here I could rent?

Maybe start going to church with you?

Forgotten Treasure

                                                   Happy Valentines Day Everyone!!!

                                      I hope you ate a lot of chocolate and celebrated with loved ones.

                                                                         And now....

                                                             Happy Lent!
Lent is a much forgotten jewel in the Christian's crown. It's the sort of thing that often gets classified only in the context of strange people who only eat fish on Friday for six weeks, and a vague notion of "giving something up..." Often, this involves giving up social media, sweets, or even something as nebulous as 'bad thought patterns.'

But yesterday, while the much of America enjoyed overpriced steaks in crowded restaurants, signed Hallmark cards, and gave lollipops with punny sayings to their children.....

I was in church with most of the world's Catholics, Lutherans, and Presbyterians.
We were celebrating something totally different.
Ash Wednesday.

There is nothing I can do to describe the feeling of going forward and having dirt smeared on your forehead as the pastor solemnly proclaims:
"Remember, you are dust
And to dust you shall return."

This morning I became aware of yesterday's tragic shooting, as a bitter, rejected young man shot and killed 17 people in his former high school. Many photos of the event show parents waiting in distraught horror....
Ashen crosses still on their foreheads from the morning's Ash Wednesday Mass.

I read the coverage here.... and it got me thinking.

When Ash Wednesday and Valentine's Day fall on the same day, we the liturgical Church, have an opening. Let's talk. When a heartbreaking tragedy collides with both.... the Church steps forward.

Because, lets face it:
Nobody wants to talk about death.
Avoid it. Pretend it doesn't exist.
But, we'll never escape' them chilly waters.'

There have been 3 deaths at my church in 3 weeks.
All 3 were dear Christian ladies, ready to leave this painful world and go home.

Let's talk about my Christian homeschool friend, Jonah, who shot himself with his deer rifle.
He was only 16.
I was 14 when it happened.
But let's avoid it.

Could we talk about my friend Julian who was stabbed mercilessly (over 20 times) in the park?
I was still 14.

Or about my friend Najae from Rahab who got out of jail only to be shot brutally dozens of times?
She was left to die.
She never escaped 'them chilly waters.'
Let's pretend it doesn't exist.

But wait....
Remember.....

"You are dust,
And, to dust you shall return."

Grieving people wail that "They didn't deserve to die that way!" "They were "too young!"

Let's chat about my other friend: He was killed "too young," "before His time." He didn't deserve to be murdered. It's His ashes I wear on my forehead.

                                                                     Reminding me,
                                                                     As I sit in the dust:
                                                                     He sits with me.
                                                                     My Best Friend!
                                                                     My Lord and my God!

When Nobody Cares......

First off, If you haven't read my post on The Rebelution Blog, here it is.

Thought I'd expand a little on something in that post before I continued with my series in Dating and Relationships.
Here's a quote from that article:

"After a while, people stopped asking me how things were going. Their lives continued, while I wondered if anyone cared. "

One of the hardest things in my life right now is that I often feel underappreciated, under supported, and unnoticed.

You'd think that someone in a hard, visible ministry would get lots of prayers and support, but I've learned something.


People want happy stories. They want to ask you how you're doing and get a cool story about how God is using you, the miraculous, the spectacular. They want something worthy of The Cross and The Switchblade.

They want to make a movie out of your ministry. Or at least a drama.

What they don't want to hear is stories of agony, pain and seemingly pointless effort.

Sometimes, I have stories of people who came to Jesus and have changed totally, and gotten themselves all straightened out.

More often, I can't find any good stories worthy of a self respecting magazine article.

But that doesn't mean I'm not making a difference. It's just not as cool as most people would want. Or as I would want.

What do you do when you feel like nobody understands how hard something is? Or when your hard earned results don't sound as spectacular to people that you talk to?


You take refuge in the fact that Jesus understands everything. He always wants to hear how your day went, no matter how horrible. He is just as excited for every little victory as you are.....

He will always hold you close in the scars on His palms.

No matter how little recognition you get from others.

And His is the only notice that really matters, anyway.