Tradition! Or, Ramblings on the Church's View of Marriage

NERD ALERT!

This is going to be a relatively deep, theological discussion on marriage, addressing what I see as the two main lies that circle Christian singles today...........


You've been warned. Proceed at your own risk!

"There is no more lovely, friendly, and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage"---- Martin Luther

Ahh...... good old Luther. I plead my rights if there's too many Luther quotes in here proportional to everyone else!

Lets start with what is probably the best description of the purpose of marriage I've seen yet...

"The ultimate purpose [of marriage] is to obey God, to find aid and counsel against sin; to call upon God; to seek, love, and educate children for the glory of God; to live with one’s wife in the fear of God and to bear the cross; but if there are no children, nevertheless to live with one’s wife in contentment; and to avoid all lewdness with others"---- Martin Luther

In today's Christian world, basically everybody falls off one cliff or another. Either they say that singleness is preferred to marriage, or that singles are not complete people.
 
I'm going to try to address both positions in turn, then add a few other thoughts at the end.

#1-- Singleness is Better Than Marriage

Most people likely will try to pin this on the Catholic church. Roman Catholics have struggled over the years with balancing the Sacraments of Marriage and Holy Orders.(Priestly Ordination and Monastic Vows.) However, I've found that the people who push this now are those who fall into popular youth ministry groups, and strangely enough, groups who push for  waiting for your spouse and staying pure. (Which are wonderful, Godly things.)

The logic goes like this--
'Paul says everyone should stay like he is, and he was single. So was Jesus, Nehemiah, Barnabas..... (Insert long list of Biblical figures) So, you really don't need to get married unless you want to have kids. Jesus is all you need.'
Before I can go further, I need to give a 30 second lesson on Vocation. This is the doctrine that everything in life, if done by a devout Christian man or woman is service to God. The pastor who preaches is no better than a plumber fixing a leak. The mom changing diapers is no less than a bishop. God created us, and all our vocations to give him glory and serve our neighbor.
Therefore-- Long term singleness is a Vocation. Some people have been gifted with an ability to be single for a long time, some haven't. That doesn't mean that everyone who's supposed to get married will get married at the same time, it means that God only gifts people with grace to be single for as long as it takes for everyone to get mature and get together.
Ultimately, this falls into the Early Church heresy of Gnosticism, which said that everything on this earth was dirty and polluted, and truly spiritual people would leave all of that behind in pursuit of God. The entire Gospel of John was written to showcase the things about Jesus that were contrary to Gnosticism.

Invariably, a single person expressing a desire to be married ends with someone tritely saying 'You just need Jesus.' Usually, this person is married.
It is true that Jesus can soothe the unsettledness and stress of  the single life. He gives us the Sacrament of the Altar to assure us that He is always with us. He gives us families, churches and pastors to surround us with love and support. He gives us His word to show us His love. He sticks a pastor in front of us to pronounce His forgiveness when we struggle and fall into lust, envy, discontentment, and covetousness.

However, most singles who long for marriage are longing for the companionship, togetherness and affection of marriage. They long to be the most important person in someone's life. They want to be able to partner with another person in this life. And yes, they long for physical affection and the marriage bed.

Jesus isn't going to remove these desires.

To do so would be against His creation. He made marriage to fulfill those longings, and to placate or remove those desires Himself would be to change natural laws that He wrote.

After all, even in a perfect garden, with a perfect, sinless relationship with  God, Adam was alone. And it was not good.

As Luther says--

"There is nothing disgraceful about it (desire to be married) Celibacy is supposed to be a virtue, but it is a veritable gift of God, just as if a person did not eat or drink.... There are not many virgins to whom God has granted a long life; rather, hurriedly He whisked them out of this world, like Cecilia, Agnes, Lucia, Agatha and others like them. I know full well how noble that treasure is, but also how difficult it is to preserve for any length of time."

God didn't tell Adam to get closer to Him so that He could fulfill Adam's loneliness.... He created the women to fill it.
Tertullian, one of the Church Fathers, wrote this--

"How beautiful, then, the marriage of two Christians, two who are one in hope, one in desire, one in the way of life that they follow, in the religion they practice... They are, in very truth, two in flesh."

This doesn't mean that the single person is destined to be a partnerless, useless sock. It just means that nobody should trivialize the intense, innate longings of the single man or woman.

#2-- A Single Person is Useless.
Honestly, I don't hear this much anymore, except around groups like the Anabaptists and certain conservative homeschool groups.
However, let's get it out of the way.
A single person can do a lot. They can do so many things a married person can't, because of decreased demands on time, energy, money and attention.
Single people are perfect for those roles that are too time consuming and/or dangerous for a married couple.
I know a couple of single guys that have been on mission trips to the Middle East recently. The areas that they are in are too unstable to bring a family into.  This is a wonderful reason to be single.

Ultimately, this is what it all comes down to:
Do you have a logical, Biblical reason for your state, whether married or single.

John Chrystosom says it nicely:

"So whether we presently live in our virginity, in our first marriage, or in our second, let us pursue holiness, that we may be counted worthy to see Him and to attain the Kingdom of Heaven, through the grace and love for mankind of our Lord Jesus."

Concluding thoughts:

Marriage is beautiful
Singleness is beautiful.
We need to support and help all our Christian brothers and sisters, whatever their marriage status.
And in an age that scorns normal, loyal, faithful, Christ Honoring marriage....
Lets especially support those among us who are longing for marriage.


And, in closing, a couple of  really fun Luther quotes on marriage:

"There’s a lot to get used to in the first years of marriage. One wakes up in the morning and finds a pair of pigtails on the pillow that were not there before."

 "In domestic affairs I defer to Katie. Otherwise, I am led by the Holy Ghost."

And, some cool quotes I found during research that I couldn't squish in anywhere else:

 “An intelligent, discreet, and pious young woman is worth more than all the money in the world. Tell her that you love her more than your own life, because this present life is nothing, and that your only hope is that the two of you pass through this life in such a way that, in the world to come, you will be united in perfect love” – St. John Chrysostom

And for the gals:

 "First, look for a husband who will really be a husband and a protector; remember that you are placing a head on a body. When your daughter is to be married, don’t look for how much money a man has. Don’t worry about his nationality or his family’s social position […] When you are satisfied that the man is virtuous and decide what day they will be married, beseech Christ to be present at the wedding. He is not ashamed to come for marriage is an image of His presence in the Church. Even better than this: pray that your children will each find such a virtuous spouse; entrust this concern of yours into His hands. If you honor Him in this way, He will return honor for honor." John Chrystosom

 And this lovely description:

“They are as brother and sister, both servants of the same Master. Nothing divides them, either in flesh or in Spirit. They are in very truth, two in one flesh; and where there is but one flesh there is also but one spirit.

“They pray together, they worship together, they fast together; instructing one another, encouraging one another, strengthening one another.

“Side by side they face difficulties and persecution, share their consolations. They have no secrets from one another, they never shun each other’s company; they never bring sorrow to each other’s hearts… Psalms and hymns they sing to one another.

“Hearing and seeing this, Christ rejoices. To such as these He gives His peace. Where there are two together, there also He is present, and where He is….there evil is not.” – Tertullian

And this:

 "The love of husband and wife is the force that welds society together. Men will take up arms and even sacrifice their lives for the sake of this love. St. Paul would not speak so earnestly about this subject without serious reason; why else would he say, “Wives, be subject to your husbands, as to the Lord?” Because when harmony prevails, the children are raised well, the household is kept in order, and neighbors, friends, and relatives praise the result. Great benefits, both of families and states, are thus produced. When it is otherwise, however, everything is thrown into confusion and turned upside-down."   John Chrystosom, Homily on Ephesians 5:22-23   

When Nobody Cares......

First off, If you haven't read my post on The Rebelution Blog, here it is.

Thought I'd expand a little on something in that post before I continued with my series in Dating and Relationships.
Here's a quote from that article:

"After a while, people stopped asking me how things were going. Their lives continued, while I wondered if anyone cared. "

One of the hardest things in my life right now is that I often feel underappreciated, under supported, and unnoticed.

You'd think that someone in a hard, visible ministry would get lots of prayers and support, but I've learned something.


People want happy stories. They want to ask you how you're doing and get a cool story about how God is using you, the miraculous, the spectacular. They want something worthy of The Cross and The Switchblade.

They want to make a movie out of your ministry. Or at least a drama.

What they don't want to hear is stories of agony, pain and seemingly pointless effort.

Sometimes, I have stories of people who came to Jesus and have changed totally, and gotten themselves all straightened out.

More often, I can't find any good stories worthy of a self respecting magazine article.

But that doesn't mean I'm not making a difference. It's just not as cool as most people would want. Or as I would want.

What do you do when you feel like nobody understands how hard something is? Or when your hard earned results don't sound as spectacular to people that you talk to?


You take refuge in the fact that Jesus understands everything. He always wants to hear how your day went, no matter how horrible. He is just as excited for every little victory as you are.....

He will always hold you close in the scars on His palms.

No matter how little recognition you get from others.

And His is the only notice that really matters, anyway.

Belle Didn't Meet Her Prince on Tinder

Online Dating.

It's on of those things that has become accepted in our culture as a normal way to meet someone. Nobody seems to think about how truly strange it is to enter a few bits of data into a profile, and determine if someone is worth your time based on that.

I have bemoaned to a couple of pastors about the total lack of men, and you'd be surprised how often people tell me to try online dating.

As an 18 year old, I always thought of online dating as being for people over thirty. While Tinder has changed some of that, the average age for dating sites that still focus mostly on long term relationships, like Match.com and eHarmony is-- older. Match.com tells us on their website that over 70% of users are over 30, eHarmony tells us that the average age is between 35-54. Almost all dating sites have seniors as around a quarter of users. Tinder has younger users--over 80% are under 30.... but Tinder is so different, I'll address it separately later.

Only about 17% of marriages were started online... compared to over 60% who met through friends.

A third of people who used dating sites have never even gone on a date with someone they met on that site.

Half of online dating users lie about something in their profile-- usually physical appearance, age, education, or income.

A quarter of users also have other people help them construct the most appealing profile-- meaning that even if they don't out right lie, they may not tell you everything.

Yet another half tell us that they've dated more than one person at a time through one of these sites.

And most importantly, only 5% of people who are in either marriage or a committed relationship-- met online. That tells me that online marriages may not have the same staying power as normal relationships.


I have several problems with online dating.

One is this-- as online dating becomes more and more popular, it has often been reduced to simply "Swiping" based on physical appearance only. Those long algebraic equations have been reduced to a couple second glance at someone's posed headshot.
Sounds like a good way to find a spouse to me.

Another is that I'm hopelessly paranoid about people who lie, fudge details, or leave out important info. Don't tell me that you haven't heard some rendition or another of the classic "Said he was 6' 3" was actually 5'5"" and "Said she was a size 6 blonde, turned into a size 20 brunette." And that's not counting the real risk of meeting a predator, pimp or abusive man online. Yes, I know it's rare..... but that fact is that it is real, and I don't like "Small Chances" when it comes to things like domestic abuse and trafficking.

I hate meeting people online. It seems contrived and aloof to me. Really, how deep can you get in a relationship that started with you liking her jersey in a selfie?

I don't even have "The Book of Faces." You expect me to try to meet the man I could spend forever with through tiny profile and a 1"x1" picture? Lets be real.

Most of the young people on online dating sites aren't looking for a long term partner, just a hook-up. Tinder makes that clear by basing things of first impressions of pictures. In real life, many people marry spouses they didn't initially think were physically attractive, because they liked the person's humor, depth, smarts or spiritual intensity.



So, You ask, what do I recommend?
Set ups.
No, really.
Ask the people you know who are happily married how many met through parents, friends, pastors or family.
My own parents met through a high school friend.
Married people, set us up. Be thoughtful about it, but don't be shy.
Single people, be willing to meet people. If they don't sound like a jerk, slob or sex offender, go for it. The woman at church's grandson in the army, or your parent's friend's daughter, or your pastor's nephew, or your friend's sister... all could be God's chosen person for you... or not. But you won't know if you refuse to meet them.

And guys?
Don't be scared to initiate conversation with girls. We're waiting!
And girls?
Talk to them when they start a conversation.

Someday, My Prince Will Come

RANT ALERT:

Warning-- this series is probably going to turn into one long rant.... that's usually what happens when I tackle this subject.

So... I lived through the holidays. This is the first  Thanksgiving/Christmas etc. since I became "unengaged." Needless to say, it's been quite the emotional roller-coaster.
So, I decided that a series on singlehood, focusing on those of us in the Lutheran church, but hopefully it will be applicable to others too.

I attend two churches. One of a relatively large church, about 500 people. I don't go to youth group, because, well, I've never met anyone I wanted to get to know better that attended it.
The second is a dearly beloved tiny church with maybe 50 people, only one of whom is close to my age.

None of the youth speak to me.
I know it's hard to believe, but I'm really not that scary.
I don't wear vampire teeth to church, make things levitate, or crackle evilly.

Someday, I'll address the cliquishness of church, but that's for a different post.

The applicable problem is that there simply aren't any potential guys. At all.

I've asked a couple of well respected pastors what to do, since, as I've healed from The Breakup, I've realized that there are no guys to get into a relationship with.

They love to send me towards online dating, which is a topic I'm going to address in full later in this series-- needless to say, I don't consider it an option.

I've also been told that I just need to find a church with better prospects.
Newsflash-- I've been to all the LCMS churches within reasonable driving distance. There aren't really any guys anywhere--- not within a hour or so. Most of the churches around here are little, old and dying. Not that I don't like old people.... but I'm not marrying a 75 year old widower. Sorry.

Outside of moving to Africa, Minnesota or Texas-- all of whom have better, younger Lutheran populations than Canton, Ohio, Rustbelt City.... I'm not sure what my choices are.

So-- What AM I doing?

Praying. Lots of praying. Sometimes crying, usually desperate, often despondent, occasionally hopeful, always blatantly honest. I don't know what I would do if I didn't pray, but I'd probably bust a few blood vessels.

Serving. If I'm thinking about others, I'm not thinking about me. I volunteer at Rahab Ministries, teach Kids Club on Wednesday nights, and blog. When I'm immersed in servanthood, I'm not moping.

Listening to Music. I seriously love Jason Crabb and the Isaacs Family. Country Gospel and Christian Bluegrass keeps me sane. I have a playlist right now on my IPod titled "Bad Days." Plus, I love going to church and singing the hymns of the church with the organ in the background. Just love it. It regulates my heartbeat, for all intents and purposes.

Higher Things. Went to there conference last year, and although nothing came of it, I did meet some cool guys..... So at least I know they exist.

I plan on my move to Africa. I'm not totally serious... but humor is great. I have friends and parents that I can groan, complain, and snark to.... and who will also engage me in humor when I engage my favorite saying-- "If You don't laugh... you'll cry."


I'm going to get really, freakishly detailed as the series goes along. I don't totally know yet how long this is going to go... At least three more parts, the next one on Online Dating, my nemesis. Likely one on the Holidays, and a Theological one on the Vocation of Singleness and Dating in the Lutheran Church. (Which will probably get a nerd alert.) Who knows what else.

(PS.... Still trying to figure out the photo stuff on Blogger. Hopefully I'll figure out how to add pictures to these soon.)

Top Five Books of 2017

Because I'm a total, helpless book nerd, I thought this would be a good first "Real Post."

Please note that I don't think any of these books were actually written in 2017, only that I read then in 2017.

So, while it's cold and snowy, here's some good books to pair with that hot chocolate:


#5 Hello, My Name Is Single-- Adriane Dorr--
        The minute I heard about this book, I knew I had to read it, and it delivers!
If you're single, like me, or you want to better understand the singles around you, this book does a very good job of getting into the single Christian's mind. I personally felt that the book focused too much on above mid-twenties singles who had already left home, but that's probably because I'm still an under-twenty something living at home. All in all--- Love the book. One of those books that makes you happy because you realize you're not alone.

#4 Eyes of E'veria-- Serena Chase--
        I think this is cheating, but I couldn't bare to separate the series. It's a four book series, although the books are sorta paired within the series. It's Christian fantasy with a touch of allegory, which I love. Plus, books 3 and 4 talk about human trafficking, which is extra points in my book. Wonderful, suspenseful books with rich, realistically flawed characters, and a happy ending.

#3 Blades of Acktar-- Tricia Mingerick--
       It took me a while to really get into this series, but once I did- Wow. Just... so Wow! A deep, strong plot, characters that remind me of real people, suspense and drama. AND a very string theme of redemption, forgiveness, and putting your past behind you. Really, really enjoyed it.

#2 Ilyon Chronicles-- Jaye E. Knight--
       One of those series that you fall in love with by chapter two and can't put down afterwards. The characters progress and develop in marvelously true to life fashion, the villain is deliciously evil, the good guys are strong and noble without being perfect, and..... I just love Leetra. Read the series, and I dare you to not fall in love with Leetra. Ok, I like Kyrin too.............

#1 Tale of Two Cities-- Charles Dickens--
           Finally got around to reading the whole, unabridged version this year. It is a really long book, and he tends to ramble on descriptions-- telling us what things look like for seemingly endless paragraphs. Or he throws out random details, expecting you to be about to store, for example, the knitting scene in your head for nearly half the book. However, for historical strength, majestic prose, artistic imagery, writing style and a strong substitutionary atonement theme.... Wonderful. Bravo.

Bonus-- Doon-- Carey Corp and Lori Langdon--
             Combine medieval Scotland, time travel, paranormal fiction, and a discrete but powerful message. What's not to love?


Books I'm Looking Forward to in 2018

#1- Melanie Dickerson is writing a new novel, this one based on Ten Thousand Nights/Aladdin that looks wonderful.. If it's anything like her other books, my waiting patiently until spring is doubtful.

#2- Hopefully, Jaye E Knight will write the last book in the Ilyon Chronicles this year. Still not sure I really want her to finish, I just want the next book.

#3-- Maybe Frank Peretti will decide to write fiction again? Just a suggestion..... nudge nudge.....

Have you ever noticed that nonfiction authors don't tell us when they're going to release a new book like fiction authors do? I just thought of that when I realized that I don't know if any on my favorite nonfiction authors is going to release a book this year.

Teaser:  Just got the new Joel Salatin book from the library. Looks great, but I haven't read it yet. If it's anything like his other books, it'll be really, really good.


So-- You have any nominees for the list? Feel free to throw me a line in the comments of your favorite books from 2017!

In Which I Do Some 'Splainin'

So....

Here you are...

Here I am....

You're probably trying to figure out who I am.

Well, the jury's still out on that, but I'll try to at least tell you why I'm on here making a fool of myself.

I am an 18 year old, recently converted to Lutheranism, long time converted to homeschooling. I graduated a couple of years ago from high school. Since then, I have been enjoying real life experiences. I teach Kid's Club at church, volunteer here at Rahab Ministries serving women in crisis, read too much, and dream about writing.

Since everyone wants to know when I'm going to do the right thing and go to college, I finally decided to start this blog to write about all the things I'm doing since I'm not going to college.

Be prepared for articles on books, human trafficking, drug abuse, the Lutheran faith, millennials, and teaching yourself to learn.

Buckle your seat belt... here we go!